VII.

The date is July 1st, 4018. It's been thirteen days since the last major incidents on our journey. Maine drove our vehicle for most of the day, which he usually doesn't. The weather is, as usual since we got here, the exact same. Heavy clouds blanketing the sky, heavy fog blanketing the ground, and a heavy humid heat our vehicle's temperature control can only attempt to fight. I read three chapters of the book I'm currently reading, Stream of Poison. It's a book about the destruction of a Christian church by a mysterious terrorist who escaped custody and identification, which was recommended to me by a friend. I could've kept reading, but I got tired, put it down, and just rested my eyes. This trip has been exhausting. We left the Town in May and have still barely begun. It's hard to keep up my attitude these days when everything is so anxious and, well, boring. If I didn't write these entries, I wouldn't be able to remember anything that happened from one day to the next. None of my friends know that I'm keeping it. I think they'd be surprised if they saw how I organized everything... and that I didn't write in my accent. 'Y'all!'

Sometime around 3 PM (it's hard to keep exact time in this forest's weather so that's just my best guess), the vehicle temporarily broke down and had to be repaired. Maine took the opportunity to rest a little while Sefgh and M-Bot troubleshooted it, which took a while, maybe another hour. During this time I took the chance to pull F.P. away from the others and talk to him in private like I've been meaning to. I'll transcribe the conversation here for future reference, accent included. I could remember myself anyways, but it's best to have a copy. I should keep in mind that even my memories degrade over time, after all.

M: Hey, F.P., c'mere. I wanna talk to you away from everyone else a sec'.

F.P.: Uh, sure.

[We walked to a more isolated spot in the woods and sat next to each other.]

M: I wanted to talk to you about somethin', 'cause I'm noticing you're barely talking to any of us. Because we're not really friends, right?

F.P.: Well...

M: It's alright! I mean, just honestly, right? The rest of us have known each other for years and you just got here. You're kinda the outsider, yeah?

F.P.: Yeah. I'm... well, I'm pretty nervous, and...

M: Yeah?

F.P.: You're kind of the only one who doesn't seem gloomy all the time!

M: Yeah. Sefgh ain't so gloomy usually, but the trip's been taking its toll.

F.P.: And, Sefgh, sometimes when I look at them, I mean... I see it all over again.

M: The shadow?

F.P.: Yeah. It's not fair, it's just... it's hard not to see it when I see them! And I mean, Maine, M-Bot, they're not... uh... approachable. They seem pretty closed off.

M: Hah, I get what you mean. I don't think Maine is really, y'know, looking for new friends. But anyways, this is kinda outside the point I'm trying to get at. So you're not close with any of us, it's not a nice friendship retreat. And you haven't exactly gotten many great sights yet, either, just'a dumb forest for like a month.

F.P.: Well... It was nice for the first few days, but yeah, it sucks. It's not much to look at, and sometimes it kinda gives me the creeps. I mean, that one guy we met, who stopped us in the woods, I mean, it's pretty...

M: It's pretty creepy, right? Bit lonely, too?

F.P.: No, not lonely. I mean, maybe a little, but I'm used to that, I don't even mind it that much really, I was alone on that farm except for my, um, goat. I'm used to it, I kind of enjoy it a little. It's creepy because it's not as lonely as you'd think. Like, listen, right? Don't say anything for a second, just listen.

[It was completely silent.]

F.P.: That's not a, 'nobody's here' silence, that's an 'I'm staying quiet' silence, you know? I feel like someone's there when they shouldn't be.

M: Y'sure you're not just imaginin' things?

F.P.: Maybe. It's not like someone really is there, aside from y'know, that one guy. Just a feeling.

M: I getcha. But like, you're not enjoyin' the company, and you're not enjoyin' the scenery.

F.P.: Well...

M: And you're not any closer to the other reason you said you wanted to be here, which was to catch that shadow. It's way out now, it ain't gonna bother you again I don't think, and you've got four people with guns lookin' for it. That thing is dead meat. It don't even want anything from you, it was just screwin' with you.

[F.P. looks down silently.]

M: What I wanna ask is: what are you still doin' here? Why do you wanna be here?

F.P.: Why shouldn't I be here? I know it's not that great yet, but it still could be. We can be friends! You're going to go lots of new places, and... and, and I just-

[F.P. clenches and unclenches his fists, starting to shake. I take a step closer and rest my hand on his shoulder, calming him down a little.]

F.P.: I can't go back. Not until it's dead. Not until I see it. I-I already know how to use a gun. I have to- I have to. You understand, don't you? Hasn't anything like that happened to you? You'd know. You'd get it if it did.

M: Ah, not quite. Nothin' like that's happened to me. Prob'ly happened to Maine, but he don't talk about stuff like that. But it's not about that, it's not about getting it, it's just...

F.P.: What? Am I weighing you down? Eating too much food? Come on! I want to be here!

M: I know you want to be here! It ain't about that, it ain't about the food, it's about your damn life! You know, you ain't seen anything yet!

F.P.: Like what?

M: Terrible, terrible things! This isn't- argh.

[I take in a deep breath.]

M: Look, kid. We're gonna see stuff on this journey that's gonna make you wish you never came, and that ain't even talking about the risk to your own life. Y'know why we're here? We have to be! We always had to be here. Ever since we were born it was part of Almendra's plan for us, for us to be here this day, to enact her will. You don't gotta be part of that, kid! You're just here for a personal thing, you don't-

F.P.: Yeah, a personal thing involving Sefgh! One of your chosen ones!

M: So what?

F.P.: That must mean it's important! That I'm important!

M: Oh, kid, c'mon. This ain't a good way to be important. I- Like, look, I'm not joking, alright? I know nothing's happened yet, but pretty soon shit's about to get serious. People are gonna start dyin', we're gonna start killin'. You don't wanna be here for that, kid. You get shaken up just bein' here, you don't want the kinda things that're comin' up showin' up when you fall asleep, alright?

F.P.: And how do you know that? How do you know it's about to get serious?

M: Well, I'm just goin' off what Alzeki's said. I know the stakes, here. I've heard some of the news. If it ain't happened yet, doesn't mean it ain't happening later.

[We're both silent for a moment.]

M: I know it's too late for you to just go right back where you came from. We're right near the end of these woods, comin' up in maybe another week, and if I say to turn back now 'cuz of you the guys are gonna riot. But there's a town coming up that you might be able to stay at. We can keep you there. I know ways we can keep you safe, alright? You don't gotta come with us on this.

F.P.: Matt?

M: Yeah?

F.P.: I don't want to be safe.

M: You don't?

F.P.: No. I want to do this. I don't wanna stay in the same place doing nothing in my life. I don't want to be in a dead end. If I can't do this, if I can't go after the thing that screwed up my life and... get past it... what am I even doing? What can I even do? I need to do this. I can't just let you do it yourself. I don't wanna be a kid anymore.

[I don't say anything.]

F.P.: I'm coming, alright?

M: Alright.

[We sat there silently for a few more minutes. I kept my hand on F.P.'s shoulder and took in the surroundings. Thick green trees and thicker gray fog. I looked up and tried to see the sun through the clouds, but I couldn't find it.]